My two adult sons and I listened incredulously to the excuses being offered up by our abuser's parents. They had received jail system phone messages a few days after my husband had been arrested for 3 counts of Domestic Battery. So they called my oldest son (with a nauseating sound of "Oh, this will be good gossip.") to find out what was going on. My son dialed his Papa's number and put the phone on speaker. The exchange went something like this:
My son then told him the story and about how he and his brother were injured trying to protect me.
A few minutes later this conversation was repeated with Grandma who offered up the exact same excuses. In the end, and not to the surprise of anyone I know, his parents did take his side. They bought his lies and excuses "It's all her fault." "She made me do it." "She poisoned the kids against me."...and made up some of their own too. Can anyone truly be forced to commit domestic violence? No! But abusers convince themselves that they can...or rather that something or someone else is to blame for their abuse. And these delusional beliefs are often backed by others in denial like their parents, their friends, and other family members who also believe that their abuse must have a cause. The "Bible Studies On Domestic Violence" from Olympia Union Gospel Mission states: "Domestic violence comes from within the batterer." "It is important to understand that domestic violence is…
"...the abuser chooses to use abuse." Here's what other sources have to say about excusing abusive behavior: "You are not responsible for your partner’s bad behavior. Your partner’s hurtful words and actions are their own choice — there is always a choice." Excuses, Excuses "Abusive partners are also skilled at coercion and manipulation. They use excuses to make you feel like what’s happening is your fault." Blame Shifting - There's No Excuse for Abuse "...every abuser draws the line somewhere — and this show considerable selectivity in how they attack their partners and where they leave bruises. This suggests that abusers have as much control as they want to have." Decoding Excuses for Abuse "All abusers look for something to blame their behavior on. Common excuses that abusers give for their behavior include:
"Abusers often blame others for their behavior. There is NO EXCUSE that justifies being abusive to another person." Common Excuses of Abusers and Their Victims "...[abuser's are] often bullies. The one thing they all have in common is that their motive is to have power over their victim." The Truth About Abusers, Abuse, and What to Do A few months ago, a pastor at church asked the congregation, "Do you have anger issues?" He went on, "If you're able to come into this sanctuary and control your anger, you don't have an anger issue. Do you know how I know? You're choosing to control yourself right now. You can control yourself whenever you want to. You don't have an anger issue. You have a heart issue." Abusers CHOOSE to be abusive. It's a systematic pattern in which abusers believe they are entitled to behave. The only cause of domestic abuse is a conscious choice by the abuser. There are NO excuses for Domestic Abuse! #DomesticAbuseIsNotOkay
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The purpose for this blog is to be a beacon of hope to others trapped in abusive relationships and to educate others to recognize abuse that may be going on in the lives of people you know. There is real help available to domestic abuse victims, but sometimes it is hard to find and hard to take that necessary step to freedom. But there is a way out. I want to share all that I have learned so far on this journey into my new life as well as everything that I will continue to learn along the way.
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Psalm 22:24 "For he has not despised or abhorred the affliction of the afflicted, and he has not hidden his face from him, but has heard, when he cried to him."
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