You're a well-intentioned person. You don't like seeing someone you care about suffering in an abusive relationship. You feel helpless. And the answers seem so obvious and clear to you. But before you offer up what seems like logical advice, you need to know why your advice will likely be ignored or miscontrued in the ears of the victim. Well-meaning advice is often oversimplied input in a much more complicated situation. It can even be extremely depressing to a victim or feel like victim-shaming. That's not the outcome you're looking for. It might even be dangerous for the victim. So, here's my (unexhaustive) list of What Not To Say To a Domestic Abuse Victim (and real ways you can help): "You should just leave..."It sounds logical to leave a bad situation, but leaving is not always an option...at least not in the immediate. No matter how much the victim may desperately want to leave, there are many things that compel her to stay. She has attachments, responsibilities, family, and maybe even pets. She lacks confidence, education, skills, and most likely money. "If you're in trouble, you should call the police/ 9-1-1..."It seems reasonable to most people to call the police when there is trouble. But reasonable people don't threaten to harm themselves, the domestic abuse victim, the victim's childre, pets, or other family if the police are called. There is great power in the fear that an abuser uses to control the victim. Sometimes it is only made-up or embellished threats, but other times there are real barriers to getting help through the local police. Never underestimate that the abuser might be well-connected to law enforcement and well-liked in his community. The abuser may have already built up a false reputation of the victim as being high-strung or hysterical or of an otherwise questionable disposition. Sociopaths are liars who believe their lies and dupe even the most qualified professionals with those lies. "You should go to the women's shelter..."While it is a lot like telling a woman to just leave her abuser, it is actually sometimes worse. First, it can add to the desperate helplessness that the victim is already feeling in her situation. Even though she lacks confidence in herself, this feels like further victimization. She may feel like her whole life is being reduced to sharing a cramped space with other domestic abuse victims; almost like going to prison. And sadly, some of the victims can be abusive to their housemates. That's only going to send her right back into the abusive relationship she left and it's going to give the abuser even more control over her. "You should get a job..."Many domestic abuse victims have or had jobs, but their abuser's have interferred and even caused them to be fired. Abusers are also known to control the victim's finances, so even though the vicitm may have a job, the abuser confiscates their income. If the victim doesn't have a job, getting one may not be easy...not just to acquire but for them mentally and physically. Domestic abuse is psychologically exhausting. I often wondered why my husband was never mad at me when I took 3 hour naps after only being up for 2 hours. He enjoyed the physical exhaustion that his psychological abuse brought on me just as he was often gratified by my real physical pain. Abusers are sick people who derive pleasure from causing their victim pain in many different ways. Obtaining a job may seem like libertion to a logical person. But it could lead to further abuse as abusers will modify their abusive tactics. An abuser may even let the victim believe they are in control of their employment and their money, but it may soon be perceived as threatening to the abuser. So, What Can You Do To Help a Domestic Abuse Victim?Gather information - Learn as much as you can about help available to Domestic Abuse Victims. This may involve calling thehotline.org (for Domestic Abuse) to find local resources and calling or meeting with Domestic Abuse advocates. There are countless websites full of information (I'm still discovering them and learning from them myself). Be a safe haven - Give the victim a safe place to hide personal belongings, help them create a Domestic Abuse escape plan, help them open a secret bank account to stash money in, and/or give them a safe place to make phone calls from a safe phone line. Talk to and/or visit the emergency abuse shelter - The more you know about it, the more you may be able to assess if it is a viable option for the victim. Each one is going to be different from the next. Provide transportation and connect them with advocates - Take the victim to meet with a Domestic Abuse advocate where she can learn about the help that may be available to her if/when she decides to leave. Many advocates are Domestic Abuse Survivors and can relate to all of the fears and concerns of the victim. Victim's advocates have been a staple in my support system. There were two advocates who just sat with me in the courtroom while I awaited the Injunction hearing. It was such a great encouragement just that they were there. Be encouraging - Remind the victim that they are not a sum of the lies being fed into them by their abuser. Give them positive (but genuine) feedback about who you see them as instead of who they have been told they are. Help them re-discover the person that has been buried under the piles of rubbish from the abuser. Pray blessings over them - The power of prayer cannot be overstated. I personally value prayers prayed over me and my fmaily as much as I value the other forms of support that we have been blessed with. Just listen - One Victim's Advocate advised me to go ahead and throw myself a giant pity party because I once processed through that there was going to be hard work ahead. Be patient - You want them to leave but they haven't made that decision yet. You are rightly concerned for them. The victim has a lot to process. They have to work through their fears and self-doubt. They are often dealing with shame and guilt that has been heaped on them by their abuser. She knows she wants to leave. But timing is important to making sure the victim has adequate resources, support systems, and information so that they don't feel so overwhelmed by leaving that they go back to their abuser. This is by no means an exhaustive list of ways to help, but by learning about and connecting with some of the resources available to Domestic Abuse Victims, you are taking a huge burden off of the victim who most likely believes that there is no help available or that there is no way out. Abusers have a knack for convincing their victims of the most unbelievable lies. But you can help break down those lies with some simple things and help a victim find freedom from their abuser.
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The purpose for this blog is to be a beacon of hope to others trapped in abusive relationships and to educate others to recognize abuse that may be going on in the lives of people you know. There is real help available to domestic abuse victims, but sometimes it is hard to find and hard to take that necessary step to freedom. But there is a way out. I want to share all that I have learned so far on this journey into my new life as well as everything that I will continue to learn along the way.
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Psalm 22:24 "For he has not despised or abhorred the affliction of the afflicted, and he has not hidden his face from him, but has heard, when he cried to him."
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