Perhaps you've seen the meme that says, "It's called a selfie because narcisstie is too hard to spell." It's good for laugh, but the more research I do to help heal from long-term domestic abuse the more I find that narcissism is growing to epic proportions. Though I am not entirely surprised by this growth of narcissim in this 2 Timothy 3:2 world filled with arrogant, greedy, lovers of themselves only people, I never thought narcissim fully applied to my abuser. It started with my misunderstanding of narcissism. I thought that narcissists were beautiful-looking people who looked down on others. I thought their self-love was so obvious that everyone could easily identify the narcissist in the room. I was wrong. In fact, a narc doesn't need to look beautiful or overly attractive to believe that they are God's gift to the world. Their self-love often comes from a deep self-loathing which in an effort to overcome that they inflate their ego and self-worth beyond a normal healthy capacity. Narcs are miserable people who enjoy hurting others. Narcs are not even necessarily obvious to normal people. They are crafty and deceitful in their mindgames with everyone around them. They can be very charming and even appear to be self-deprecating, generous, and magnamious. Their charm isn't isn't in their appearance. It's all an inward act that they perform for the world around them. Sounds exhausting to be putting on a fake show day in and day out. And that's exactly why narcs need victims. They need a "narc supply". Narcs are like vampires. Instead of blood, they feed on the energy of the people they abuse. Some victims don't even know they are victims because the narc has cleverly disguised their intent and found a way to get their narc supply off of the unsuspecting. For an example of a victim unware, read my post Open Letter to My Abuser's Therapist. In this case, my narc created his safe place where people around him like his therapist believe his lies. This feeds his narc supply and as long as he can surround himself with people who believe him; and never question or doubt what he serves up to them, he will be able to appear more normal. This is a narc's safe place...an eloaborate hoax where others get sucked into believing lies to make the narc feel more important. Narcs can't always get everyone to believe them though. Even though they constantly lie, they really aren't the best of liars. In my own case, I always knew when he was lying to me, but I viewed it more through a lens of pity. I saw his lies as being borne out of very low self-esteem...and that isn't necessarily untrue about a narc. But my interpretation of it was going on was through pity and not through understanding that he was a full-blown narcissist. So, what happens when narcs get discovered...when their lies blow up and people start questioning them? Several things can happen. If you are fortunate, an exposed narc will simply disappear from your life. It might be gradual, but they will fall off the face of your world. They might do this in hopes that you will forget about their lies and that someday they can walk back into your life. Or they might simply disregard your value to their narc supply. If this happens, celebrate...and never forget why they ran away with their tail between their legs. In closer relationships, an exposed narc plays mindgames, gets violent, makes threats, attacks your self-worth and your sanity. They try to replace your memories with their lies. They explode when they are caught lying. They accuse you of harming them. They feel "unsafe" with the truth. They steal your thoughts and sometimes even your passions. They mock your pain and have no qualms seeking empathy from you for their fake pain. They use what is said in confidence against you. They compliment you only to turn around and destroy you. All of this feeds their narc supply and they enjoy torturing you. Children of naricissists often find themselves chasing after the love that a normal parent gives freely. The narc treats them with disregard, unimportance, and disinterest, yet demands respect. Many children of narcs will chase after that unmet affection outside the home which often leads them right into the hands of an abuser. I didn't think my abuser was a narc until I started connecting with others who have experienced the same things that I have. Women from all over the world sharing stories and everyone commenting that it all sounds so eerily familiar. Though not identical, one women's narc is often indistinguishable from another women's narc. Narcs will say the same things. Narcs will act in certain ways. Narcs will play the victim. Narcs will explode. Narcs will charm the pants off of people. Narcs will make your head spin. Narcs will steal your life. Narcs are big pretenders. Narcs always, always have tales of how they saved the day. Many years ago, 2002 to be exact, I was out shopping. I was irritated with my narc abuser because he was being his typical self-absorbed him. At Walmart, I stumbled upon a t-shirt. I bought it out of spite and gave it sarcastically to him for his birthday. It had a stick figure man, a planetary system, and a scientific-looking equation and read: Proof that the universe does revolve around me. A normal human would know upon receiving that shirt that it was not given in admiration. But my narc...he wore it proudly and still does 18 years later. That's a narcissist. #DomesticAbuseIsNotOkay
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The purpose for this blog is to be a beacon of hope to others trapped in abusive relationships and to educate others to recognize abuse that may be going on in the lives of people you know. There is real help available to domestic abuse victims, but sometimes it is hard to find and hard to take that necessary step to freedom. But there is a way out. I want to share all that I have learned so far on this journey into my new life as well as everything that I will continue to learn along the way.
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Psalm 22:24 "For he has not despised or abhorred the affliction of the afflicted, and he has not hidden his face from him, but has heard, when he cried to him."
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